Overcoming The Effects Of Abuse
There is a difference between Affect and Effect.
No this is not a grammar lesson.
In CJ Harlan's words...
"Knowing the difference between how someone is "Affected" or "Affects" others by their choice to "use" or "abuse another", is only one part of the equation for overall healing. Learning about the short and long-term "Effects" that abuse has on you and others, is the second part to finding a positive sum. One part without the other leaves us in a constant state of healing without the answers we seek.
Whether the abuse we talk about is self-inflicted or inflicted on others, the lines always cross. One important thing to realize, however, is that just as the lines can cross over and cause pain, loss and abuse; the same lines can also cross over to heal one another.
In order to make change happen, on a larger scale, we have to: move awareness up on the list of to do's; overcome ignorance and focus attention on fully understanding the effects of abuse; we need to prioritize healing.
Of course, it all begins with you.
Each individual that finds their own courage to seek positive change has a lasting affect on the goal for us to heal as a whole. After all, abuse is a disease that affects our community, our nation, our world.
Knowing that our ability to flip a switch and shed light on abuse, in a way that will cause massive positive change, is only limited to our own ability to change, and empower others to do the same...Don't we owe it to ourselves, to our children and to our future, to make change happen?"
An excerpt from "Living Past Pain, An Empowerment Guide to Living Your Life After Loss" by CJ Harlan © 2012
Abuse Takes Many Forms
Research shows that abuse takes many forms. Alcohol and drug abuse still being the first to register on any abuse meter, second to that is physical abuse which is often referred to as domestic violence, and now as more incredible people come forward and speak out about their pasts, sexual abuse is finally getting some of the attention it needs to help women, children and men, turn their coping into healing.
Healing is possible for anyone that is ready to heal, with the help of some amazing support groups, healing circles and therapists that are ready to guide them through their own unique process towards personal freedom. Freedom from the loss, guilt, shame and pain, that victims experience.
"Freedom creates positive choices." CJ Harlan
The First Steps Towards Change
The first positive step towards healing, for anyone that has been abused, is to acknowledge their own strength for taking action to change their life.
The second choice is to seek support and guidance.
These two steps are also true for families, friends and loved ones of the abused.
Get The Support You Need
There are many forms of therapy being offered to anyone seeking help.
It is very important to choose the right fit for you. If you try one type of therapy and it does not work for you, or if you don't have a good connetion with your "support person" (therapist, coach, sponsor) DON'T GIVE UP! - Seek another form of support.
CJ Harlan Is Committed To Your Healing
CJ Harlan can be the support person you need.
She offers you solid consistent support that is customized to fit your needs. As CJ says:
"I do not expect the person I work with to fit the therapy, I design the therapy to fit the needs of the person."
Who Does CJ Work With?
CJ works with victims of abuse to face, understand, and overcome the pain, shame, guilt and loss associated with their abuse. Her focus is on helping you reach personal freedom. Six forms of abuse are listed below:
Forms Of Abuse:
Physical - Being harmed physically by another, which can include visible or invisible markings, is physical abuse. Anything from shoving, throwing, pinching, slapping, choking, biting...to breaking of bones, stabbing, shooting and other physical acts that can lead to disfigurement or death, is considered physical abuse and are only a small list of abusive physical acts. Threats of physical harm or death, is also a form of physical abuse that cross over into mental/emotional abuse. Physical abuse does not always lead to rape, yet rape is considered physical abuse.
Mental/Emotional - Being manipulated, limited and controlled by statements such as: "I will hurt you if you do this, or that" or "I will kill you if you leave"; being controlled by threats of an abuser hurting people you love (children, parents, friends) and care about, is a form of mental/emotional abuse. Words can have long-term devastating affects that continue to break a victim down, making them even more controllable. People with low self-esteem are more likely to become targetted and controlled by mental/emotional abuse.
Sexual - Being shamed, guilted, coerced in any way or forced into having sex, which can include oral acts, at any age is sexual abuse. If an abuser uses sex as leverage or makes you feel bad for not having sex in any form that leads to sexual acts, you are being sexually abused even if you can find ways to rationalize the abusers behavior. Giving into sex, because you have been made to feel you owe someone sex, is abuse.
Isolation - Being manipulated, usually by guilt, to not do things or see people outside of what your abuser allows you to do, is isolation abuse. This is a form of abuse not often talked about. The abuser says or does things to insure that they control you and your time. The abuser may sabotage your car or hide you keys from you, so you cannot leave. They may spill something on what you are going to wear to make you late, so you will decide not to go. They may tell you that you do not love them or that you love someone else more, if you spend time away from them. They may be jealous of others, or of your achievements in your life, and insist you are either having an affair or planning to leave them. Their actions, body language and words are used to convince you to give them what they want, control. An abuser may not even want to spend time with you, yet they set up your life so that you are still controlled by them, for example economic abuse often walks hand in hand with isolation abuse. If you have very little to no money your options to go anywhere are limited, aren't they?
Economical - Being controlled by your financial situation where your partner controls all the money, including what you make, giving you a small allowance fro essentials only, is economical abuse. If you and your actions are limited by your partner because they control all the money coming in and going out then you may be a victim of economical abuse. Sometimes the abuser is controlling the money for financial gain; sometimes to fund an addiction.
Verbal - Being made to feel inferior, stupid, unworthy, undeserving of better treatment; belittling comments, insults and verbal attacks that feed insecurities or create them, is verbal abuse. This is the most common form of abuse and is often the precursor to any domestic abuse or domestic violence. One of the problems in today's society is that we often do not think before we speak and are unaware of the affects we can have on another with even the slightest insult at any age. Children are often victims of this form of abuse, which lowers their self-esteem and confidence and lead them towards a life as an insecure adult.
All forms of abuse are usually endured by a victim for three main reasons: the first and main reason is out of fear of being hurt, or another being hurt from their lack of submission to the abuser; second reason is because of guilt; the third reason is because of their love and commitment to their partner and religious beliefs.
Regardless of the reasons you choose to excuse a form of abuse, you need to know that you deserve to be treated with respect and loved unconditionally.
Get the help you need and...start living a life you love living.
"Acts of coping often help you survive, but they do not allow you to live free and thrive." CJ Harlan
CJ also works with people who have addictive personalities. No matter what destructive behaviors define your habits, no matter what form of self-abuse you
may have chosen: drugs, alcohol, gambling, hoarding, self-mutilation, eating disorders.
CJ helps you redefine your identity, separating you from your abuse. "Abuse is something that happened to you, it is not who you happen to be."
If you are ready to heal and make positive changes happen, NOW, then Contact CJ, today.
There are no fees for initial consultations...so start believing that your life can be different; learn that you deserve more; find out how lovable and valued you are; discover your own power to take back your life or even start living it for the first time. Call CJ, she can help you.
No this is not a grammar lesson.
In CJ Harlan's words...
"Knowing the difference between how someone is "Affected" or "Affects" others by their choice to "use" or "abuse another", is only one part of the equation for overall healing. Learning about the short and long-term "Effects" that abuse has on you and others, is the second part to finding a positive sum. One part without the other leaves us in a constant state of healing without the answers we seek.
Whether the abuse we talk about is self-inflicted or inflicted on others, the lines always cross. One important thing to realize, however, is that just as the lines can cross over and cause pain, loss and abuse; the same lines can also cross over to heal one another.
In order to make change happen, on a larger scale, we have to: move awareness up on the list of to do's; overcome ignorance and focus attention on fully understanding the effects of abuse; we need to prioritize healing.
Of course, it all begins with you.
Each individual that finds their own courage to seek positive change has a lasting affect on the goal for us to heal as a whole. After all, abuse is a disease that affects our community, our nation, our world.
Knowing that our ability to flip a switch and shed light on abuse, in a way that will cause massive positive change, is only limited to our own ability to change, and empower others to do the same...Don't we owe it to ourselves, to our children and to our future, to make change happen?"
An excerpt from "Living Past Pain, An Empowerment Guide to Living Your Life After Loss" by CJ Harlan © 2012
Abuse Takes Many Forms
Research shows that abuse takes many forms. Alcohol and drug abuse still being the first to register on any abuse meter, second to that is physical abuse which is often referred to as domestic violence, and now as more incredible people come forward and speak out about their pasts, sexual abuse is finally getting some of the attention it needs to help women, children and men, turn their coping into healing.
Healing is possible for anyone that is ready to heal, with the help of some amazing support groups, healing circles and therapists that are ready to guide them through their own unique process towards personal freedom. Freedom from the loss, guilt, shame and pain, that victims experience.
"Freedom creates positive choices." CJ Harlan
The First Steps Towards Change
The first positive step towards healing, for anyone that has been abused, is to acknowledge their own strength for taking action to change their life.
The second choice is to seek support and guidance.
These two steps are also true for families, friends and loved ones of the abused.
Get The Support You Need
There are many forms of therapy being offered to anyone seeking help.
It is very important to choose the right fit for you. If you try one type of therapy and it does not work for you, or if you don't have a good connetion with your "support person" (therapist, coach, sponsor) DON'T GIVE UP! - Seek another form of support.
CJ Harlan Is Committed To Your Healing
CJ Harlan can be the support person you need.
She offers you solid consistent support that is customized to fit your needs. As CJ says:
"I do not expect the person I work with to fit the therapy, I design the therapy to fit the needs of the person."
Who Does CJ Work With?
CJ works with victims of abuse to face, understand, and overcome the pain, shame, guilt and loss associated with their abuse. Her focus is on helping you reach personal freedom. Six forms of abuse are listed below:
Forms Of Abuse:
Physical - Being harmed physically by another, which can include visible or invisible markings, is physical abuse. Anything from shoving, throwing, pinching, slapping, choking, biting...to breaking of bones, stabbing, shooting and other physical acts that can lead to disfigurement or death, is considered physical abuse and are only a small list of abusive physical acts. Threats of physical harm or death, is also a form of physical abuse that cross over into mental/emotional abuse. Physical abuse does not always lead to rape, yet rape is considered physical abuse.
Mental/Emotional - Being manipulated, limited and controlled by statements such as: "I will hurt you if you do this, or that" or "I will kill you if you leave"; being controlled by threats of an abuser hurting people you love (children, parents, friends) and care about, is a form of mental/emotional abuse. Words can have long-term devastating affects that continue to break a victim down, making them even more controllable. People with low self-esteem are more likely to become targetted and controlled by mental/emotional abuse.
Sexual - Being shamed, guilted, coerced in any way or forced into having sex, which can include oral acts, at any age is sexual abuse. If an abuser uses sex as leverage or makes you feel bad for not having sex in any form that leads to sexual acts, you are being sexually abused even if you can find ways to rationalize the abusers behavior. Giving into sex, because you have been made to feel you owe someone sex, is abuse.
Isolation - Being manipulated, usually by guilt, to not do things or see people outside of what your abuser allows you to do, is isolation abuse. This is a form of abuse not often talked about. The abuser says or does things to insure that they control you and your time. The abuser may sabotage your car or hide you keys from you, so you cannot leave. They may spill something on what you are going to wear to make you late, so you will decide not to go. They may tell you that you do not love them or that you love someone else more, if you spend time away from them. They may be jealous of others, or of your achievements in your life, and insist you are either having an affair or planning to leave them. Their actions, body language and words are used to convince you to give them what they want, control. An abuser may not even want to spend time with you, yet they set up your life so that you are still controlled by them, for example economic abuse often walks hand in hand with isolation abuse. If you have very little to no money your options to go anywhere are limited, aren't they?
Economical - Being controlled by your financial situation where your partner controls all the money, including what you make, giving you a small allowance fro essentials only, is economical abuse. If you and your actions are limited by your partner because they control all the money coming in and going out then you may be a victim of economical abuse. Sometimes the abuser is controlling the money for financial gain; sometimes to fund an addiction.
Verbal - Being made to feel inferior, stupid, unworthy, undeserving of better treatment; belittling comments, insults and verbal attacks that feed insecurities or create them, is verbal abuse. This is the most common form of abuse and is often the precursor to any domestic abuse or domestic violence. One of the problems in today's society is that we often do not think before we speak and are unaware of the affects we can have on another with even the slightest insult at any age. Children are often victims of this form of abuse, which lowers their self-esteem and confidence and lead them towards a life as an insecure adult.
All forms of abuse are usually endured by a victim for three main reasons: the first and main reason is out of fear of being hurt, or another being hurt from their lack of submission to the abuser; second reason is because of guilt; the third reason is because of their love and commitment to their partner and religious beliefs.
Regardless of the reasons you choose to excuse a form of abuse, you need to know that you deserve to be treated with respect and loved unconditionally.
Get the help you need and...start living a life you love living.
"Acts of coping often help you survive, but they do not allow you to live free and thrive." CJ Harlan
CJ also works with people who have addictive personalities. No matter what destructive behaviors define your habits, no matter what form of self-abuse you
may have chosen: drugs, alcohol, gambling, hoarding, self-mutilation, eating disorders.
CJ helps you redefine your identity, separating you from your abuse. "Abuse is something that happened to you, it is not who you happen to be."
If you are ready to heal and make positive changes happen, NOW, then Contact CJ, today.
There are no fees for initial consultations...so start believing that your life can be different; learn that you deserve more; find out how lovable and valued you are; discover your own power to take back your life or even start living it for the first time. Call CJ, she can help you.
